Who am I?
I am not a diagnosis
I am not a label
I am not an eating disorder
I am not autism or sensory processing disorder
I am not a failure
I am not worthless
I am not stupid
I am not a mistake, nor am I my mistakes
I cannot be measured by a size, a number, an expectation or a list of rules. My purpose and my worth are not tangible things. They just are. And they are infinite. I may not see them sometimes or believe they are there but they are. They are simply bc I am.
Who am I?
I am brave
I am strong
I am creative and innovative
I am compassionate, kind, gentle, and caring
I am honest and sincere
I am carefree, playful, funny, quirky, unique, genuine, and innocent
I am a thinker, I love to solve problems I think outside the box
I am perceptive and intuitive
I am social but in my own way
I am full of energy, helpful and accepting of all people
I am Kim
I like to climb and build and create
I thirst to be outside to smell the fresh air feel the dirt beneath my feet touch the wise trees and hear the orchestra of birds, crickets, rustling leaves, and the pitter patter of my moving feet.
I enjoy yoga, walking, running, stretching, twirling, jumping- being in my body with my body one body one mind
I yearn to help others, to love unconditionally, to accept nonjudgmentally
I have autism
I see things differently
The world moves very fast and I am often unable to keep up but that is ok I don’t have to
I see the details and can figure out things others often can’t bc I notice
I create my own solutions
I think in pictures my words are visual representations
I can’t always verbalize my thoughts I can be slow to learn or mishear what is said
This can be frustrating but patience and persistence and not giving up is key
I note beauty in everything, everyone, every animal
I feel and see emotions in colors, shapes, and textures
I don’t like loud or busy places bc they make my ears bleed and my eyes burn.
Certain noises, tones, and pitches are deafening and I have to cover my ears or wear headphones
I walk and sometimes listen with my eyes closed. This way I can hear and see what is happening
I need deep pressure to calm me down and i may hum loudly , fidget, or smell things in order to focus
I may act a little immature or childlike at times and I may do strange things but that is ok bc otherwise I would not be able to interact and be with the world, with you, with me
I am learning to be with me so I can be with you and with the world
I am learning to work through my struggles, to get back up when I fall down. Not to dwell on my mistakes
It is ok to ask for help and it is ok to receive it
I am not an eating disorder, I am not autism, i am not SPD, I am not my actions I am not my thoughts
I am none of those things.
I am Kim
And
That is enough.
“My World, Your World”
By Kim Clairy
I have eyes, ears, a nose, and a mouth – just like you.
I look like you.
I go to work like you.
I can even blend in and ACT like you.
BUT, I am NOT you.
I am ME.
I am different, but yet forced to be indifferent to the ways of this world.
A world that is befuddled to me.
Where yes really means no
Smiles are upside down
And kind words harbor hidden meanings.
This world perplexes me.
Hidden agendas lurk every corner.
Rush-hour really last 24 hours.
Assumptions equal facts.
And pleasantries are just routine – no one really cares how you are.
How do you live in a world polluted with noise – a contamination to the ears.
Buzzers, banging, beeps, yelling, shouting, slamming, ringing.
All ruckus to the ears.
Everyone talking at once and yet no one is listening content is lacking, irrelevant. Sadly, these words wasted.
Time taken.
Discoveries stolen – by these wasted words.
ARE YOU REALLY listening?
While the contaminated ears are clogged and the mute mouth spits out meaningless musings the eyes are blind.
Not in the literal sense but the eyes, they don’t see.
They don’t see me.
They don’t see you.
They don’t see themselves.
The eyes – are distracted by blues, greens, grays, reds, oranges, all different colors.
Colors of various shapes and sizes and sounds blurred together osculating vibrating moving colors.
Camouflaged.
Your colors are seen by your blind eyes.
They create false pretenses.
Colors are meant to be felt not seen just like ears are meant to see and the mouth listen.
The world is backwards, thwarted, confusing.
Yet, I must live in it and learn your ways or I am labeled as- aloof, cold, rude, uncaring, antisocial, anxious, defiant, odd, or “not normal.”
Assumptions are made that I am unfulfilled, unhappy, and sad because I do not always find pleasure in the emotional and objective “pleasantries” of your world.
BUT,
Assumptions are not
FACTS.
My world is different, but yet we are in the same place.
I hear and see, touch and smell things you sometimes miss. It is wonderful and beautiful really amazing. I want to say “come with me I want to show you” but my words are fragmented, and my mouth unable to speak. Too many things are around me.
I want to take your hand and show you what I can see with my ears and hear with my eyes.
But I am paralyzed I cannot move.
There are too many things around me.
Listen
STOP, open your eyes
I am not who you say I am
Plainly I am just Kim
I am not a diagnosis code in a book
Take a step back and look
Stop. Pause, give me time to process what is said
Too much too fast is not good for my head.
I just need a few minutes to hear what you say
Please be patient with me OK?
Permanent Possibilities
Permanent possibilities
Peeping through
You say it is only a dream
Well, dreams can come true
Permanent possibilities peeping through
Shut Down
I am laying on the ground exhausted and battle worn
My body is paralyzed, speechless.
I can feel my heart pounding like a bass drum with a force like a firecracker against my chest wall
My thoughts are jumping and jumbled, a foreign language that is untranslatable
I cannot speak
I cannot move purposefully
I cannot make this go away
I want to talk
I want to move
I want to do things
But, at the moment I remain speechless and paralyzed on the ground.
Frustrated and annoyed that the world I live in is too loud, too fast, and too bright for me right now.
Explanation: This was written after a morning walk with my husband, William. There was a lot of construction and lawn equipment noises and I became auditorily overstimulated. I wanted to talk to him during our walk, but I couldn’t. My words disappeared. When we got home and he left for work I laid on the ground and was paralyzed. I needed to leave the house because of the noise outside but physically could not leave. I ended up spending half the day trying to regulate myself so I could then leave the house. Not many people see this part, I keep it hidden…
A Plea for the Forgotten Generation….Adults with Autism
We are the forgotten, the unseen, the hidden
We are hiding behind the masks you, society, created
These masks that cover us also kills us.
Suffocating we struggle to be seen
Seeing us will help you realize
That we are just like you
Wanting to love and be loved
Hoping to be understood to understand
We desire to raise families
To hold jobs
To be a part of society
Yet we are hidden, suffocating, hiding
Peeping out we do not dare
Harsh labels and words like daggers are wounding
The unsaid of who we are is unknown
But the said is also unknown
To your ears
We are the hidden, hiding, afraid, and scared
Now I call to you my dear friends
Come out,
try not to be scared.
Some will not hear
They will not see
But some will.
I promise
Be brave
Be bold
Begin being you
Again, movement we must make
Or else those like us will remain hidden,
Remain hiding
Behind the masks they created for us
Movement we must make
Once they see
Once they hear
Once they understand
We can make movement
I cry out for help
Please.
I am trying to pave a path
To make everyone understand
That we are all the same
Wanting to love and be loved
Hoping to be understood to understand
That we desire to raise families
To hold jobs
To be a part of society
But
The possible seems impossible
When suffocating without support
So
Alone I stand on solid ground
Surrounded by both worlds
I wish I could make you all see
That the masked
And the masking
Is making
Movement
Impossible
For We are the forgotten, the unseen, the hidden