Kim on Eating Disorders
Radical Acceptance!!
I have come to understand how much the autism affects the eating disorder. I have learned that when I stop trying to fit in so much, when I listen to my body, and when I stop worrying so much what others think the eating disorder voices lessen and can go away. I get stuck when I can’t meet my nutritional needs..which leads to malnutrition which makes everything more difficult. One of the tricks is to be ok with eating enough food, which I think is possible if I can keep myself regulated. You see when I experience info or sensory overload I have learned over many years to use numbers, exercise, and perseveration on food as a way to calm down, a way to help me focus on one thing so I can function. Purging also has been used as a way to calm me down. The forceful repetitive nature of the behavior calms me and organizes my system. There are physiological aspects that go along with it like activating the reticular activating system, but I will not be too scientific right now!
Another thing is that I have to be super aware of my stimulation levels and of my executive functioning difficulties. I have to be willing to utilize numerous organizational and sensory strategies. I can easily, yet unintentionantly, run myself sick or become overly fixated and forget to eat because of my difficulties with interoception and reading my bodily signals. I am also very wiggly and being still is hard, which also unfortunantly means I must be super aware of remembering to eat. Eating a variety is hard, carrying out the steps involved in meal prep can be hard, and so on…. Some things that look eating disordered are very much autism related and I am continuing to learn to manage my autism symptoms so I can give my body the nutrition and the care it needs. Is it hard? YES!! But, I am doing it, I am recovering from the eating disorder, I am recovering despite being told I would not ever recover Bc of its severity.
Let me backtrack in history a bit…..
Growing up I was dx with ADHD. My parents knew there was more going on but the school system said I was not a behavioral problem so I was fine. Little did they know the social, communication, emotional, and academic struggles I endured. I hid it well. My family hid it well, although my erratic and seemingly defiant behaviors played a toll on the family. My sense of self worth growing up was very low and I did not understand why I was so different from those around me. I just didn’t understand why I could not act or talk like the other kids, I didn’t understand why I was always left out and left behind.
I say the Ed was my “adult” way to manage my autism-as violent tantrums, screaming, jumping, twirling, rocking, flapping, etc are not acceptable “adult” behaviors, so focusing on my health seemed more socially acceptable. Plus, I played college soccer and, well, training a lot is what we did. I became fixated and developed an unhealthy obsession on nutrition and soccer which eventually and led to unhealthy weight loss, a distorted body image, and a severe eating disorder. As the Ed became my daily life I quickly learned how it’s ritualistic and obsessive nature helped me to complete everyday tasks…or so I thought. It helped me until i became too malnourished… Well then it still helped me, but that help had a steep price. My Ed coping strategies helped me manage my autism, yes, but only to a certain point, as it was also costing me my life.
Moving along….
I have processed through my past which no longer is a drive for the Ed. The Ed now it is just a set of learned behaviors or learned thoughts that I have found useful to keep myself grounded; however, I realize it is not useful because I can’t live my life going in and out of treatment centers. I look back at myself before the Ed began and note how I coped with the autism growing up. I was a very active and goofy child almost always moving. When in school I could attend to classes but the after effects were horrible..meltdowns. I would throw tantrums, sadly until I was 19. Ironic as this is when the Ed started. My tantrums were not little either. I was 18 and would kick my feet and scream on the floor. I will not go into detail with my past now..in my book I will though!! So, as I stated earlier the Ed has evolved as a way to handle the autism. I can no longer use it this way though bc I cannot function with an Ed. I am accepting that I may look strange or do strange behaviors but that is ok, I have to accept it bc I don’t want the Ed. These behaviors are natural for me, I am learning not to hide it, not to try so hard to fit in, not to stop what my body and mind naturally wants to do to calm down. The body is amazing and will tell you what it needs if you just listen. I’ve worked with my wonderful treatment team on developing healthy strategies to remain calm. We have also learned how it goes beyond the sensory stuff and includes learning how to complete tasks differently and learning how to communicate more effectively.
Most importantly I have learned that I do not need to hide myself, that I can be who I am and that people actually like who I am- quirks and all!!!
I have learned it’s ok to do things that are natural to me such as sit on my knees, squat on the floor, rock, flap my arms, pace, push against things, etc. These behaviors look weird when done by an adult, but if by doing them I am better able to organize my brain and thus able to figure out the steps involved to prep a meal and to eat it then fine. If I have to pace with my weighted blanket, spin in circles, jump, rock in a chair, do yoga poses, hum out loud, stand on my head, use my headphones, do self massage, curl up in a ball, pull a band as I drive, etc in order to prevent my system from being overwhelmed and leading to hours and hours of exercise or the inability to eat, then ok, I accept that. I have to be ok with my natural self and I have to be ok with doing tasks a little differently and I have to be ok with giving my body/brain what it needs sensory wise in order for me to stop the Ed thoughts. I am continuing to move forward in my recovery and in my life! I want to help others and to make a positive impact on this world, but I know In order to do this I must continue to work on my Ed recovery to do this I must accept myself, even if that means I may be a little quirky and I may do things a little differently than you.