Note: This article is a guest post by my husband William Miller

 

I recently read an overwhelmingly negative article published on a support site for NT (Neurotypical) spouses living with an ASD (Autistic) partner and felt compelled to pen a response. The article—written by a woman who didn’t even have the courage to sign her name—views life in an ASD partner as victimhood, painting a bleak picture of the future, even going so far as to insinuate that NT spouses are subject to PTSD, injury, and major health complications because of their autistic partner. The author proclaimed doom and gloom and ended by suggesting NT spouses find the courage to end the relationship. All in all, not very positive or enlightening.

 

If your spouse is autistic, then he/she has a disability. After all, that’s what autism is—a disability. If you had a child with cerebral palsy, who was confined to a wheelchair, would you end the relationship because your child will never walk? Of course not. At least, I hope you wouldn’t. It’s not the child’s fault they are paralyzed from the waist down. After all, they didn’t ask for a disability. By the same token, your autistic spouse didn’t ask to be disabled. It’s something with which they were born and have to learn to cope. It’s not easy and often frustrating for the ASD partner. But there are ways you can help.

 

1. Recognize that your ASD spouse has a DISABILITY.

 

Any person with a disability is going to take a little more time, more care, and a lot more effort than a NT person. Just as you would give a disabled child more time and attention, you’ll need to give your ASD spouse a little more time and attention. That’s difficult in our fast pace world, but it’s part of what you agreed to when you said “for better or worse”. I stress this point because, having travelled all over the country and lectured parents and healthcare providers, I have observed that NT people (parents and spouses especially) often lose sight of the fact that ASD individuals have a disability and need a little extra time and patience from Neurotypicals. Recognizing your partner’s disability is the lynchpin to coping with ASD. Without this basic foundation of understanding, you are likely to lose focus, start playing the blame game, and then you’re headed for the rocks.

 

2. Set systems in place and have a routine.

 

Your ASD partner needs a consistent routine to feel safe and regulated. The new and the unknown is stressful and continually anxiety-laden for the ASD individual. If every day is different, your ASD spouse will have a very hard time adjusting to a constantly shifting schedule. Be sure to set the alarm clock for the same time every day, eat breakfast around the same time, and go to bed around the same time if at all possible. Many people balk at this suggestion. They claim life is busy and unpredictable and you can’t alwayshave a set schedule. You’ll get no argument from me. Either the roof is leaking or the car won’t start. Life is complicated. I get it.

 

But a semi-rigid schedule will significantly lessen the stressful and emotional impact of those emergencies for both you andyour ASD spouse. Don’t take my word for it, some of the most successful entrepreneurs and individuals on the planet swear by keeping a set schedule and scientists claim it will make you more productive. Not only will keeping a set schedule make you more productive and happy, it will keep your ASD spouse regulated because he or she knows what to expect. If there are kids in the picture then having a reliable schedule is even more important. Kids who live in unpredictable households have a harder time in school and their behavior suffers.

https://www.cnbc.com/2017/09/01/how-to-schedule-your-day-for-maximum-success-according-to-science.html

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/this-what-the-schedules-successful-people-look-like.html

https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/schedule-successful-people

https://www.forbes.com/sites/kevinkruse/2016/10/31/how-millionaires-plan-their-day/#791529f86204

Just file this one under “Life Advice”.

 

3. Give them a head’s up.

 

If there is going to be a change in schedule, let your autistic partner know about it as far in advance as possible. Don’t spring it on them. Give them time to come to terms with the change, even if it’s something very small. Let’s face it, most of us are downright poor at communication. If you’re a man, I’m talking to you, but ladies, you’re guilty as well.

 

We all have good intentions. We mean to tell our partner about that important event. We even tell ourselves not to forget. Then something happens, we see something on the TV, hear something around the water cooler, and we forget to tell our spouse the dog has a vet appointment on Friday. Accidents happen. Don’t beat yourself up over it. But when you are living with an ASD spouse, you need to try as much as possible to warn them in advance if the schedule is going to change. Even if it is something as seemingly minor as having a salad instead of tacos for dinner. (True story)

 

That’s a really funny story which Kim and I tell to parents in order to drive this point home. I won’t go into it here, but your ASD partner needs to know when things change and don’t forget to explain why. Often times, a change that is upsetting to Kim at first, is mitigated as soon as I explain to her whysomething must change. If I pick up a different brand of coffee at the store, it might throw her off at first, but once I explain they were all out of our regular brand, she is able to intellectually work through the unexpected change.

 

4. Pre-plan—Forewarned is forearmed!

 

We’ve all seen the bumper sticker that reads: $h!# Happens. We laugh because it’s funny, and we laugh because it’s true. In life, stuff does indeed happen. For instance, you might be on your honeymoon in Eastern Europe, strolling the busy cobblestone streets of Prague, when suddenly you look up and realize your ASD spouse is nowhere to be seen. (Also a true story). When these things happen, it is important to have a plan in place.

 

You need insurance before the flood. If you wait for an emergency before you come up with a plan, it’s going to be too late, and you’ll end up panicking. People who panic make mistakes, and mistakes make emergencies worse.

 

Plan for emergencies ahead of time. In the instance above, I had already gone over with my wife what she should do in the event she found herself lost or separated from me in Europe. That plan consisted of: 1. Find the nearest uniformed officer, police station, or hospital. 2. Tell them you have autism. 3. Tell them you are lost and ask for help.

 

Thankfully I only spent an two and a half hours wandering the streets of Prague, worried sick, before I received a call from the Czech police. My wife had followed the plan which we made in advance and, after the officers figured out where I was, they had her back to me inside 3 minutes.

 

Getting lost isn’t the only situation you need to pre-plan with your ASD spouse. Plan things as simple as what to do when they feel overwhelmed, what to do if a flight is delayed, and what you’ll do if the pot roast doesn’t turn out right. It’s a small extra effort that will make your ASD spouse feel more secure, so they know what to do in the event plans go awry.

 

Having a plan in place when Kim is overwhelmed has saved us a lot of heartache.Your ASD spouse needs calming strategies when they are overstimulated and figuring out those strategies in advance makes dealing with sensory overload much easier.

 

A large part of pre-planning is making sure you are equipped with the sensory tool you need. Planning before we go out somewhere reminds Kim that she needs her noise-cancelling headphones when we go to a busy public place, or to pack her Theraputty if we are going to be somewhere she’ll have to sit and wait a long time.

 

Be sure to check out Kim’s site for strategies dealing with sensory overload, over stimulation, and a host of other sensory processing difficulties you are likely to run into.

 

5. Teach

 

Remember, your ASD spouse has a communication disability and probably some sensory processing difficulties—but it doesn’t mean they are stupid.Just like NT individuals, ASD individuals can learn and grow. When I first met Kim, she did not like television. TV shows moved too quickly for her to follow and she didn’t understand what was happening because she has communication difficulties. It must have been a lot like watching a show in a foreign language. Sure, you see the people on screen, but you aren’t following the plot and everything is confusing. Not much fun.

 

We developed a system where we would watch a show and pause anytime Kim found herself confused. At first, 30 minute episodes took two hours. But Kim slowly learned to understand the social interactions taking place and now we can watch entire movies without having to pause once.

 

Take some extra time. Slow down. When your ASD spouse doesn’t understand something, teach them. You’ll be amazed how much he or she grows and matures if you are willing to take the time to mentor.

 

This is a two-way street. Any time you are teaching, you are learning as well.

 

Kim is very intelligent (sometimes too intelligent for her own good) and she has a tremendous amount to offer, but she needs extra time to express herself. When I’m in a hurry, or impatient, Kim will usually give up trying to express herself and I miss out on what she has to say. Several times this has blown up in my face when Kim was trying to warn me of something, but I was too impatient, and then end up making a mess of things or sticking my foot in my mouth.

 

6. Learn to Speak Chinese.

 

Your ASD spouse speaks a different language. The words are English, but the language might as well be Chinese. You need to learn their language. Communication is vital in any relationship. It is even more crucial in a relationship with an ASD partner. You need to learn effective communication and it’s up to you, as the NT partner, to learn your ASD spouse’s unique language. This might sound unfair, but I’ll refer you back to tip #1. Your partner has a disability. If he/she could learn to speak your language, they would have done it already and saved themselves a world of trouble and heartache. Instead it is up to you to study the way they communicate and figure out how to get on the same proverbial wave length. Once you’ve started to speak their language, you’ll be better equipped to help them speak yours.

 

It’s only after you have started to learn the unique ways in which they communicate that you will both be able to start building healthy and effective methods of exchange.

 

Again, I can’t stress this point enough. You need to communicate, and that means learning to communicate within your partner’s disability. If you aren’t communicating effectively, I guarantee your relationship is going to fail. Ask any marriage counselor about the importance of communication. I’m sure they’ll agree.

 

 

7. Acceptance.

 

This is another big one. We, as a society, pride ourselves on how tolerant we are of people who are “different”, but we have little room for anyone who is actually different. Autistic people are different. They see and experience the world differently than NT people do.

 

Let’s face it, as husbands and wives, we spend a lot of time trying to force our spouse to conform to ourview of the world. After all, if everybody were like us, the world would be a perfect place. I’m not talking about autism here, just human nature in general. Human beings are inherently selfish. Any marriage counselor will tell you husbands and wives always think the other person in the relationship is selfish, and they are both right!

 

Most of the stress in any relationship exists because we want our spouse to be a mirror image of ourselves. Of course, the reality is, if our spouse was exactly like us, we’d probably hate their guts. But that’s a whole other psychological can of worms. Your spouse is different from you. He or she has their own likes, dislikes, and way of looking at the world. If your spouse has autism, this is doubly true.

 

You can either try to force your spouse to be the person you want and expect them to be. In which case they should divorce you! Or you can accept and embrace their differences.

 

Your spouse, be they autistic or NT, is a unique person. They have likes and dislikes, they have strengths and weaknesses, and they have their quirks and foibles. You can either love and embrace them in all their human fallibility, or you can be alone for the rest of your life. Because everyone has quirks and inconsistencies. There are no perfect people. Not even you. Demanding a perfect spouse only demonstrates your own immaturity.

 

 

Living with an ASD spouse doesn’t have to be a crucible and it certainly shouldn’t result in PTSD. Relationships take work. Just as there are no perfect people, there are no perfect relationships. Every relationship requires hard work and effort, ASD relationships just need a little extraeffort. But the extra effort is worth it. A relationship with as ASD spouse comes with benefits you won’t find in a neurotypical relationship.

 

1. Honesty

 

NT people rarely say what they mean and often disguise their true intentions behind a lot of twaddle. Your ASD spouse will never beat around the bush, muddle up their meaning with metaphors and cliché platitudes, and they won’t claim they need space when they really mean; I never want to see you again. ASD people are honest people. They won’t tell you they like something to avoid hurting your feelings. If you need an unbiased opinion, an ASD individual will give it to you. That kind of honesty can take some getting used to, but if you’re tired of the social mind games played by the NT world, it’s a breath of fresh air.

 

2. Child-like excitement.

 

The ASD individual often retains a child-like zest for life that the NT person loses as they get older. NT adults lose their appreciation for the little things. Our happiness at splashing in puddled is usually blunted with age and experience. But the ASD person, more often than not, still gets excited at the sight of a butterfly. If you ever find yourself wistfully recalling your carefree youth, there is no one better to help you recapture that feeling than an ASD spouse. The sight of flowers make’s Kim jump for joy and flap her arms. And it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

 

3. Unique Perspective

 

We all saywe want a unique perspective, or claim to possess one, but NT people mostly view and experience the same world. We interpret that world in much the same way as they next person. But the ASD individual sees a whole different world. It’s a beautiful and fascinating place and your ASD spouse can open your eyes to new and fascinating ways of viewing reality, if you let them. Will you let them?